The Levantine girl’s five worst nightmares

The life of an independent educated Levantine female is, for lack of a better word, hard. But nothing is worse than when the time comes for her to choose her social benefactor, significant other, and all around good guy, from the limited pool of candidates on offer.

Hormones have some benefits, but in situations where you have just one chance, over-relying on them is deadly. Here’s the five worst mistakes you can do, when choosing your gentleman:

1- The Astronaut


This guy has lived most of his life in a male exclusive environment, and has never befriended or talked to a girl in his life. He has risen to a respectable position in his community and is ready to complete the final obligation. Beyond some tales told to him by his work buddies, he has no idea what you are. You might as well be an alien species to him.

Negatives: –

-You’re gonna have to get him, he’s most probably not gonna get you.

-Expect a lot of awkwardness the first….five years.

-Romance is out of the question.

Positives:

-He cares about you a lot, even though it’s because he’s supposed to.

-He’s interested in you and wants to keep you happy.

-He usually says sweet childish stuff. You get to baby him.

Conclusion: You can be happy with the astronaut, a Homer and Marge kind of happy.

2- The Lamborghini


The shades, the car, those biceps, that top, all designed to appease. He’s the top of the sex chain. Don’t deny it, you’ve probably had a crush on one of those at some point of your life.

Negatives:

-If someone spends so much time and money caring about his physical appearance, that’s time and money lost from something else.

-Expect serious “issues” once you get to know him.

-Psychologically, extra care betrays insecurities. Let’s hope that insecurity is just an overweight childhood and not something more… vital.

-The problem with physical attraction is that it peaks in the first minute. No one gets hotter the more you get to know him. On the contrary, the poorly physical reaction usually gets a lot more muted with time.

Positives:

-Estrogen rush

-There’s a social status to be earned among other girls when the guy everyone’s after actually chooses you

Conclusion: It’s good to date one or two of those in the early years. It gives you a good ego boost, and you actually enjoy it. But expect an expiry date of not over 9 months, when it’s not worth it anymore.

3-The Poet

You can’t call him a rebel, he doesn’t even know what the mainstream looks like. The poet has spent most of his life in the fringes of the alternative, and has developed this shady personality you love so much.

Negatives:

-Good luck explaining to him why it’s not “3adi” for him to feel up your legs in front of your brother

-He’s gonna be way too closer to females than you are comfortable with

-The most basic rules of society, he has no comprehension of them (It’s frustrating, believe me)

Positives:

-He does something cool you can brag about

-He understands you really well, is very sensual

-With him you can be yourself, all your insecurities are open to him

Conclusion: It might work, but you have to have a painfully open mind. You’re gonna get stung from time to time. He might come up at any point give you reasons that sound like gibberish, and simply out of the blue say it’s over.

4-The Stalker


There are way too many of those than I’m comfortable with. The stalker is born out of the trifecta of the girl’s guilt, pity, and fear of being alone. The stalker enters your life when you are at a very vulnerable stage and provides you with the comfort that someone cares about you. You make an arrangement where you are together, but not really together. The storm passes, you’re back on your feet.

Suddenly he’s all fire and brimstone, midnight calls crying you don’t care about him, ridiculous jealousy, abuse. The passive-aggressive techniques to arouse guilt are shocking. Right now you feel so bad for “tricking” him. You say you can’t leave him, he’s too nice, you can’t do that to him. Plus why lose him when he might be needed again?

There are cases out there so bad that a girl starts dating a guy, keeping it secret not from her family, but from her stalker.

Negatives: I guess spending that much time with a guy you have no feelings for is punishment enough. Plus your next potential BF is probably gonna kick him

Positives: Pathetic reassurance, suffocating concern about you

Conclusion: Honey if you don’t want to harm the guy, stop dragging him around, win him as a friend! If he’s delusional and doesn’t get it, just walk away. You’ll be doing him a favor.

5-The Fascist


To this person there are two “you”s. The real you, and the “you” he’s gonna turn you into. This man will change every single thing about you: your friends, dress code, favorite shows and music, the way you laugh. Until you are nothing but a shell…

Negatives: He’s a threat to your existence

Positives: His body can be used as fertilizer

Conclusion: Run and don’t look back. Nobody can be more “worried about your safety” than your own parents. The curfew and clothing your parents were ok with, well he’ll better be ok with as well.To be honest  he doesn’t actually care, he just wants to crush your head under his feet. If you don’t get away fast enough, you might have to use an axe for the same result later.

Here’s a link to Rand’s twin post, hope you enjoy her advice (for the dudes)

Explore posts in the same categories: Social

20 Comments on “The Levantine girl’s five worst nightmares”

  1. hamdanism Says:

    hehehe, that was really fun to read! I like ur post & Rand’s post🙂

  2. daedul Says:

    Very very interesting!!

    I lurrrve your perspectives btw!!

    Lmao @ the astronaut where you say, he cares about you a lot, even though he’s supposed to!!!!

    The Fascist, hmmm there’s always somethin about them…

    Lovin your work🙂

    • seleucid Says:

      Noooo! Don’t be one of the “yo2borni 7akarto” group. Find a guy that doesn’t have to crush your life to prove he’s a zalameh. Having a powerful character can be in so many less crude ways.

    • Rand Says:

      I really hope girls wake up and realize that this “something about them” thing can only last for a month max, and it’s never worth years or even days of the torture coming up next, then they won’t end up like this girl I know who gave in and is now married to someone who won’t let her out of the house because he seemed to be “a real zalameh” during the engagement period, and yes we can educate girls against falling for that trap, please take some time to read this post because I don’t wanna write a comment that’s longer than the post itself🙂

  3. Ma3n Says:

    This is the best article I’ve read this year! Interesting and entertaining

  4. Ma3n Says:

    I might b a former astronaut ! so watch out ladies !

  5. haitham Says:

    Lol, gr8 stuff I must say.

    Hmmmmmm, which 1 r u😉 “semi-innocent Q.”

    H.

  6. daedul Says:

    Loool Seleucid,

    I swear as much as a woman may educate herself and prep herself for the worst ever, she ends up falling for the asshole fascist. Guess you can’t really control the forces of nature!

    Or can you? It can be argued mos def. But ya3ni, we’re all suckers for those kinds loool.

    Fatal attraction- in some cases, I’d like to add😉

    Love your work🙂

  7. Marwa Ayad Says:

    Hilarious post…and ouch, so true!

  8. daedul Says:

    Ay to2ber albee – no worries about me. I hv my own :p

    Lool my Syrian bro!!🙂

  9. h3rm1ny3w Says:

    Hehe very nice ! keep it up guys🙂

  10. Maysaloon Says:

    Made me laugh out loud. Hilarious!

  11. Nat Says:

    Finally!!! someone who speaks our language!! How crazy is it that reading each one, I was here thinking oh ya been there ! Hopefully there’s a happy ending somewhere down the line! Love your witty humor! Will keep reading for sure!


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